April Fools Marriage
(This article was published in the April edition of a family and parenting magazine)
Do you ever feel like the dating phase of your relationship was a sort of April Fools joke? Like the person you dated was a hoax. Like, after all the courting and honeymooning, your spouse could have easily looked at you one day and said “April fools! I’m not really the person you thought.”
I am confident your marriage was not an April Fools joke. I’d like to offer a few tips to help you believe the same:
Remember. Don’t Resent. Couples often come to resent the very things that attracted them to their spouse in the first place. At first, we are attracted to our spouse because they counterbalance our weaknesses and seem to enjoy our strengths. Then, over time, the spontaneity we so enjoyed in our spouse becomes ‘irresponsibility’, and the groundedness they praised in us becomes ‘dullness’. Strengths are converted to flaws. The very things that attracted us become repulsive. Ultimately it is important to remember that you do like the things about your spouse that are opposite of you. Try to recall how you felt about such characteristics when you first met. Realize that you can still enjoy those differences. And know that such qualities continue to create opportunities for you to do and be things that you otherwise would not.
Forget Hollywood: Let’s face it, Hollywood has done us no favors by glamorizing the “you’re all I need” brand of relationships. In fact, relationship experts suggest that we should expect our spouse to fulfill only 40% of our relational needs. The other 60% comes from how you relate to yourself, your friends, extended family, and coworkers. Your spouse never was, and never will be, a Nicholas Sparks’ character. It is unrealistic and unfair to give your spouse the impossible task of making you happy all of the time, in every way. The solution is not to expect your spouse to be all things to you, but for your spouse and you to support one another in fulfilling your respective needs, wants and desires.
Assume the best. In all likelihood, your spouse is not trying to make you unhappy. They may not think and behave like you—or like you want them to—all of the time. But, their life’s goal is probably not to torture you by leaving socks on the floor and forgetting to take out the trash. Realizing this truth will help you have more grace for your spouse, take fewer things personally, and thus be less quarrelsome. Your spouse is ultimately on your side. As far as marriage is concerned, your side is actually their side also.
Forgive quickly. The famous “Love Chapter” in the Bible—1 Corinthians 13—says, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” I like to use a cup analogy. When we hold onto past shortcomings, hurts and disappointments we carry around a full cup of negative emotions. At that point, it only takes is a drop or two of additional disappointment to cause an overflow of negativity. On the other hand, when we forgive, we are actively pouring out our cup. Then, when something new comes along, we have room for grace and tolerance. It is easier to love; and we, ourselves, are more lovable.
Your spouse was not playing an April fools joke on you when you got married. The heart and person are the same. Begin to focus on the positives in your spouse, and next month I’ll teach you how to re-ignite the spark!
–Preston Coles