Reigniting an Old Flame
(This article was published in the May edition of a family and parenting magazine)
No candle can burn indefinitely. The wax and wick that sustain a candle’s flame at its beginning cannot maintain it without end. In order for a flame to survive, it must have ongoing sources of energy. Like a candle, the romantic fuel of our marriage's beginning is not endlessly sufficient. The flame of lifelong romance cannot burn without an ongoing input of energy.
Romance is not Routine. The flame of any romance will be quickly snuffed-out when monogamy becomes mundane, closeness is exchanged for convention, and passion is replaced by predictability. When romance becomes routine, we take our spouses for granted. We presume their presence in our lives. And we assume their guaranteed love. I can promise such was not our attitude before we got married. If so, I doubt we would presently be married! Think about it: no one wants to be tolerated. We want to be desired and pursued. The length and nature of our relationship may have changed, but these basic desires have not.
Fan the Flame. A flame needs oxygen. Our marriages also need ‘fresh air’ to keep the romance burning bright. When we first met our spouse, it was easy to find novel things to love—new qualities that fueled our passion. Then, as we continue in relationship, it becomes more difficult to find such things. We have to dig deeper. Fortunately, life’s greatest treasures often lie deep beneath the surface. The fact is we have not learned everything about our spouse, nor will we ever. There is always something novel and exciting to discover. We just have to realize it. Why cheat your husband or wife (and self) by presumptuously assuming you know them fully? Persist in pursuing your wife. Continue to explore your husband. I guarantee you will yet discover your spouse’s most valuable qualities, if you will but endeavor to do so. Time brings new experiences. People evolve. And circumstances change. We make a great mistake when we assume there is nothing novel to learn and adore about our spouse.
How? Beyond the candle metaphor, I believe there is a very literal connection between candles and romance. Turn off the TV. Go out to candlelit dinners. Burn candles in your bedroom. Have conversations by candlelight. Go for a walk at dusk. Play twenty-questions and truth-or-dare. Cook meals together. Explore meaningful landmarks and locations. Share funny stories from your past. Compliment her figure. Marvel at his muscles. Say the flattering thought you’re thinking. Be silly. Give a hug. Make the time. Take an interest. Then, if all else fails, remember the details of a time when you felt very romantically connected to your spouse…and do that, again!
To keep a romantic blaze burning does require energy. But, it also provides warmth. If you follow last month’s advice to focus on the positives in your spouse and act upon this month’s encouragement to energize your romance, I guarantee your ‘Old Flame’ will become a raging inferno quicker than Louisiana heat rises in the month of May!
– Preston Coles